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Here is Tim's Photo Shop take on Ted's Gala pic. Can you do better? Click here for the high res photo.
Here is what Kelly thinks of Ted's huge head.
George finds a new member of the Village People
David envisions 24 Hour Fitness ad from the near future.
Dustin accurately depicts how Ted does the show every day.
Marry finds motivation in Thee Ted Smith, shouldn't we all?
Here is Ted, Just monkeying around, thanks Joe.
Rage Aginst Thee Ted Smith, by Scary Gary
SHOW#631
“Hola I think you’re ugly as shitolas,
Porn superstar (er, FORMER porn superstar) Jenna Jameson is pregnant. Congratulations and all that, but does anyone else find it odd that this is the first time she’s been with child after having about 10,000 penises in and out of that thing? Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, in spite of her recent impregnation, I think that she looks worse now than she ever has in her life. I don’t know what happened to her after the porn career, but she is as unattractive as ever… but some people still insist she’s hot. Speaking of which, Pamela Anderson, once the poster- girl for blonde bombshell sex symbol, has a new reality show called ‘Girl on the Loose’. At age 40 she says she’s very happy with the state of her body but admits (to her credit) that her face is uglier than a bucket of armpits with the good ones picked out. Well, she didn’t say it exactly like that… but that’s what she meant. In fact, on her new show, producers are contractually obligated to ONLY show her face close up in the proper lighting. That tells you all you need to know. And then there’s Tim McGraw, a man who every woman I know thinks is just “dreamy”… this, in spite of the fact that he looks like the kind of guy who would molest you in the porta- potty at a rural truck stop. Now, I don’t say all of this to be mean (well, not entirely) but because all of these people are considered sex symbols and we just don’t know why. With that, today’s question: WHO DOES EVERYONE ELSE THINK IS HOT WHO YOU DO NOT? (thank you Dr. Seuss)
There was some ‘Baywatch’ broad named Yasmine Bleathe back in the day who, according to all of my friends, was one of the hottest things to walk the earth. She wasn’t. I always thought she was about as ugly as a woman could be and still be classified as a human being. OK, that was mean, but I meant it.
Here are some of the ‘sexy’ people you don’t find sexy:
Angelina Jolie… used to think she was the hottest thing ever, but now she’s looking a little long in the tooth.
Mena Suvari, who I recognize as being ugly, but I like her and I don’t know why.
Penelope Cruz. Personally, I think that she and Salma Hayak are the two sexiest women with mustaches ever.
Tyra Banks. I thought she was hot until she opened her mouth and started talking. Then I couldn’t stop staring at her forehead… it’s monstrous!!!
Cameron Diaz. I think she’s cute, not hot.
Sarah Jessica Parker. Lets just put this into perspective: there's a website called sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com. Check it out. I think that says it all.
Lindsay Lohan… not bad looking if you like pale, pasty, abnormally freckly women.
Nicole Ritchie. Do people usually find her attractive?
Brad Pitt.
Jennifer Lopez. Just strikes me as a super- bitch.
Carmen Electra. We’ll have to agree to disagree.
Pam Anderson. Never thought she was attractive.
Julia Roberts. Just so you know, Molly Ringwald was originally cast for the role of ‘Pretty Woman’.
Mandy Moore.
Pink… one of the sexiest men ever.
Jennifer Love Hewitt. Miles loves her.
Uma Thurmon. I like her.
Drew Barrymore… you will shut your mouth!!!
Gwen Stefani.
Neve Campbell. Used to think she was hot… then I saw her breasts.
Ryan Gosling. I think women like him because he was in ‘The Notebook’.
Fergie… another great looking guy.
The Kardashians.
Chris Cornell.
Scarlett Johanson. I beg to differ.
Jessica Simpson.
Britney Murphy.
The Olsen Twins. Agreed. They truly remeing me of bush babies dressed like witches… and that’s the nicest way I can think of describing them.
George Clooney.
Renee Zellwegger… her face looks like she has a sunburn and it hurts a lot.
OK, I think I’ve gotten all of the piss and vinegar outta my system. Kinda fun to make fun of celebrities, you know, because we’re broke and they’re not and they have access to all the good drugs and stuff.
Not that anyone asked, but I’ve farted a lot today.
I’m outta here, bitches.
Until tomorrow, what if I say I’m not like the others, what if I say STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#630
“Hola you missed outolas,
Today is a Crue- fest Tuesday (catchy name, eh?) so if you’re a Motley Crue fan you’d really like to get your hands on some of these tickets. Let’s face it, after 25 years and Vince Neil leaving the band once, and Tommy Lee leaving the band once, etc., you just don’t know if you’re gonna ever see them in all original form again. That’s the exact reason I went to the KISS reunion tour 11 years ago… something told me that I’d never, ever have the chance to see the original members play together again. On the other hand, I did NOT go to see the Dalai Lama when he was in Seattle earlier this year, and now that it has occurred to me that I’ll probably never get the chance to see him in person, I wish I had. I also had the opportunity to see Cal Ripken Jr. break Lou Gehrig’s record for consecutive games played, but like an idiot, I chose to work. That’s how it goes sometimes… you pass up an opportunity that may be once- in- a- lifetime but it doesn’t occur to you until after the fact. That is the crux of today’s question: IN RETROSPECT, WHAT SHOW OR EVENT SHOULD YOU HAVE GONE TO?
Here are some of your regrets:
Metallica in ’86… they played at the Moore in support of Kill ‘Em All.
Has never had the chance to see Judas Priest… and missed them again a few weeks ago when they were in town because she was in the hospital.
Guy was a huge fan of George Carlin since 1975 and never had the chance to see him.. Carlin visits Seattle’s Benaroya Hall last year, but the guy couldn’t find a baby sitter so he doesn’t go. Carlin dies, kid lives… life is unfair.
Guy didn’t go to his senior prom… now he regrets it. I didn’t go to my junior or senior prom and I’m rather proud that I didn’t… besides, all the broads at my high school were hideous. True.
Had a chance to see Johnny Cash. Naturally, he didn’t see Johnny Cash.
Missed Tool at the Gorge so he could see the Mariners… who happen to play 81 f**king home games every f**king year. Do the math and then flog yourself.
Didn’t see the Grateful Dead. I’m not a dead fan (by any means) but how did anyone who’s a fan of the Dead not see them? Didn’t they tour everyday every year for like 173,000 years in a row?
Got to go to OzzFest… but there was no Ozzy.
Didn’t get to see Marilyn Manson back in ’96 because her friend had her Gaul bladder removed.
Didn’t see the Stones. Neither did I and I wish I did.
Had tickets to see Jimi Hendrix in ’69. On his way to the show, his friend convinced him to buy fireworks instead. He’s also an idiot. No offense… dummy.
Didn’t get to see Mother Love Bone. Neither did I and it sucks.
Lollapalooza. Doesn’t matter which one.
I WAS in attendance at this particular event, but if you missed Thee Ted smith’s Wedding, when he married himself, you truly missed one of the more memorable events that has happened in the history of planet Earth. It was disturbing and is not something that ever be duplicated, but it was like seeing someone get hit by a train; memorable.
OK, I’m done for the day. Time to eat some burgers and do some trivia. I just wanna beat Castle.
Until tomorrow, I’m so addicted to all the things you do, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#629
“Hola get out of itolas,
Mary- Kate Olsen is currently being solicited by the Feds in their (on- going) investigation of Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose. She’s the final witness to be interviewed and the ONLY witness not to volunteer what she knows; so now she’s saying that the only way that she’ll talk to investigators is if she gets immunity… which we all understand to mean she has something illegal to hide. Then again, ‘immunity’ is one of those legal ways to skirt the system. Speaking of ‘beating the system’, regular drug tests (pee tests and swabs) are so easy to beat anymore that a company out of San Diego has developed a HOME drug testing kit that samples hair. Obviously, this is intended for parents to check up and see if ‘Jr. ‘ is hopped up on the candy. That’s right kids, green tea and cranberry juice can’t help you now… and I’m sorry. At any rate, today’s question is: HOW HAVE YOU BEATEN THE SYSTEM?
To be fair, we got plenty of calls and e-mails on the topic, but I’m not gonna review them all today as I usually do because, quite frankly, all of the poison I put in my system over the last week in Florida is wreaking havoc on my existence. Without giving away too much, just know that on two separate occasions in Miami I went to the wrong hotel looking for my room. I’d ride the elevators up and down in a state of confusion looking for my room (#669 at the Sore Club) only to approach the front desk and find out that I was in the wrong building. To be fair, they all look the same, but being drunk didn’t help.
At another point I was convinced that I’d lost my cell phone, so I went back to the bar where I thought I’d lost it. The bartender was great and offered to let me use HER phone to call MY phone to see if we could hear it ring. I dialed my number and some random dude answered. I asked, “who is this?!?”, to which HE responded, “who is THIS?!?” Well, now things just started getting ugly:
ME: “Where’s my phone, motherf**ker?!?”
INNOCENT STRANGER: “This is MY phone!”
ME: “Don’t f**k with me, motherf**ker! Where’s my motherf**king phone?!?”
INNOCENT STRANGER: “Look man, don’t call me anymore.” (click)
Realizing I called the wrong number, I tried calling my phone again… and again, I dial the ‘innocent stranger’, except now HE’S pissed.
INNOCENT STRANGER: “Are you f**king serious, dude? Stop calling me!”
ME: “Sorry dude, I keep misdialing my number.”
INNOCENT STRANGER: “(SIGH) Maybe you should learn your number… motherf**ker!”
ME: “Go f**k yourself motherf**ker!”
INNOCENT STRANGER: “YOU’RE a motherf**ker. Don’t call me back.” (click)
Now I’m just kinda irritated, so I call him back. This time his phone rings… and rings… and rings… and goes to his voicemail, where I leave this message, “Motherf**ker, motherf**ker, motherf**ker!”
Admittedly immature, but I was caught up in the moment. It should be noted that after having this ridiculous phone call, I wandered into the first of the two wrong hotels.
Ah, so finally I’m on a plane back to Seattle, where I consumed 17 bottles of Jack Daniels which (1) was every bottle of Jack they had on board and (2) pissed off everyone around me. I don’t know #2 as a fact, but my wife (in no uncertain terms) made me aware of this as well as the flight attendant… who actually called into the show to fill in the blanks of my flight.
All of this being said, I DID take care of my responsibilities, i.e. got the two shot glasses I set out to get. If you don’t know, we’ve decided to collect 50 shot glasses from all 50 states, with the stipulation that we physically have to go each state to get them. Anyway, I got the North Carolina and Florida shot glasses while Miles got the Hawaii and Washington shot glasses. Here is a picture of our illustrious purchases.
OK, tonight I’m gonna take her easy and detox a bit and, uh, well, not much else.
Until tomorrow, I’m too drunk to what and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#628
“Hola you’ve got supportolas,
As the Presidential campaign continues to heat up, both major candidates, John McCain and Barack Obama, continue to tour the country and the world in the hopes of drumming up support for their respective candidacies. You know the drill; they try to get support from labor unions, religious institutions, ethnic groups, etc. Well, Obama just picked up an endorsement from Mr. Dale Bishop. Obama probably doesn’t want his endorsement, being that Dale threw his support behind him right before he was executed. You see, Dale was a death row inmate, accused of murdering a man with a claw tooth hammer back in 2000. That’s not the kind of support Presidential hopefuls are looking for. Not to be outdone, our current President, when running for re- election in 2004 was endorsed by the internationally recognized Osama bin Laden. That’s not a joke. Naturally, Bush declined that particular endorsement. Ah, and the late Reverend Jerry Falwell was once endorsed by the Satanic Church… he, too, declined their support. Granted, most of us are neither politicians nor reverends, but when it comes to our jobs, hobbies or lifestyles, there are just those people whose support we’d never, ever want, and that’s what we wanted to talk about today: WHO’S THE LAST PERSON YOU’D AN ENDORSEMENT FROM, HAVE IN YOUR CORNER OR GIVE YOU SUPPORT?
As a radio guy, I’d hope that the Rush Limbaughs and Sean Hannitys of the world would never, ever endorse what I do. As a musician I’d hope no hair metal ‘musician’ ever paid me props, as I would take that to mean that I suck. As a black man, I would hope and pray that Al Sharpton never offered his support. I think that pretty much covers my list.
As for you, here are some of the people who you’d rather not be associated with:
Courtney Love… although, Miles pointed out that if she were endorsing your sexual prowess or the quality of your crack (as in the drug, you dirty whores) Courtney would be the best pick as an endorser.
DMX as a character witness. This idiot has been arrested 5 times in the last 2 months. Arf! Arf! Arf!
Al Gore. The submitter is a computer tech and credits Al with ‘inventing’ the internet… which he’s had to fix and debug since its inception.
Tom Cruise. No explanation needed.
George W. Like Tom Cruise, no explanation needed.
NBA commissioner David Stern
Mormons
David Duke… unless you need a sponsor to join the klan.
M. Night Shamalayan. I believe the guy was a filmmaker.
Andy Dick… in ANY capacity.
Don King. I think Great Clips, Vidal Sassoon, etc. would have the most to lose from a Don King endorsement.
The Catholic Church. Personally, I’m confident that the Church will never, ever endorse anything I do.
BJ Shea for a wing man.
… and on and on it went.
OK bitches, the show is on vacation as of tomorrow so we won’t be here live until… not sure exactly, but we’re gone for a week. Miles is headed to Hawaii and I’m headed to Florida. Our goal, aside from staring at hot bodied young ladies parading along the beach, is to also collect shot glasses from our respective states.
Have yourselves a fine week while we’re gone; drink often, party hard, live on your own terms and most importantly, STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#627
“Hola broke assolas,
With the price of just about EVERYTHING rocketing skyward and the value of the dollar falling faster than Paris Hilton’s panties, everybody is feeling the economic pinch. Hell, there are even Bellevue trophy wives that have to meet the pool boy at a MOTEL instead of the Hyatt Regency. That’s how bad things have gotten. However, if you’re one of those people who make minimum wage, here’s some good news; the federal minimum wage is set to jump up 70 cents to $6.55 an hour on Thursday. This marks the second of three scheduled increases. The next increase goes into effect in July 2009 and will bring minimum wage to $7.25 an hour. Of course, by July 2009 everything will be more expensive, so you’ll still be broke. That being said, most of us have had or currently have a minimum wage job and most of the time it’s not the crappy pay that irritates us, it’s the fact that the job itself sucked and sucked bad. With that in mind, think about the low wage, God awful job you couldn’t wait to get out of, then fill in the blank for today’s question: YOU COULDN’T PAY ME ENOUGH MONEY TO DO _______AGAIN!
My answer to this question is simple: any job I’ve ever had other than this one. Period.
As for the rest of you:
Cleaned turkey barns for $%.50 and hour. ‘Cleaning’ a turkey barn is the nice way of saying ‘shoveling turkey sh*t until you can see the floor again. No thanks.
Scrubbed porta- johns for 6.85 an hour. I don’t think that should even be a job, I think it should be community service.
Used to work at an old folks home (bad) but had to give the wrinkly elders sponge baths (worse).
Sold newspapers door to door.
Will never work at McDonalds again.
Would never, ever join the Navy again.
Will never stock the shelves at Toys R Us during Christmas again. On a side note, Toys R Us at Christmas is truly hell on earth.
Will never work at Six Flags Great America again because (a) it was always hot and (2) customers are rude, loud and just generally sucky.
Guy never wants to work at a grocery store again. Not sure why, but it seems to me that any job that requires you deal with people is a job that no one wants to do twice. I guess people suck.
Used to have to clean raw sewage out of crawl spaces. Why is there sewage in crawl spaces.
Will never work for the TSA at the airport again. Couldn’t really get him to tell us too much (for security reasons) but know that they smoke the weed they confiscate from you. I friggin’ knew it.
Would never wash dishes at Denny’s again. On the bright side, they DO wash the dishes at Denny’s. Who knew?
Will never work as a strip club DJ again. Did it for 5 years and learned more about vagina than he ever wanted to know… and none of it was good. Stripper vajayjay… it’s what’s for dinner.
Never wants to dig graves again. I think I can figure this one out.
Used to be the guy who had to clean up the vets office, which we know to mean he picked up animal poo.
Multiple people said they’d never join the Army again.
A guy said he’s never work tech support at a call center again… which makes sense since he doesn’t live in India.
OK bitches, the beer is slithering through my vain right now so I’m gonna call it quits and pay more attention to my beer.
Until tomorrow, ooh ooh that smell, STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#626
“Hola known asolas,
So the fellas from Judas Priest dropped by today (actually, I’m assuming it’ll happen as its 2:00 now and they’re supposed to be here at 3:30) and I think it’s pretty well documented that Judas Priest is to heavy metal what flannel shirts are to grunge; the fashion statement. That’s right, in their early days, the guys in Priest dressed like Robert Plant and Jimmy Page… then Rob Halford took the boys to a gay S&M shop where they loaded up on black leather, spiked and studded accessories and cod pieces… and for the next 20 years, Priest’s influence on the metal image went uncontested. If they’re known for nothing else, they’ll be remembered for that. That’s certainly not the worst legacy you could leave behind. You COULD be Andrew Meyer. Who is Andrew Meyer, you ask? I’ll give you the four word quote that will solidify his place in pop culture: “Don’t taze me, bro!” (zzzzzzaaapppppp!!!!!!!!) And hell, even though it happened 11 years ago, Monica Lewinski will forever be synonymous with sex of the oral kind, joining Prince Albert as someone whose name will always be associated with penis. Better them than me. Anyway, whether you’re proud of it or not, you ARE known for something in particular and today we wanna know what others think of you: AS FAR AS YOUR CALLING CARD, WHAT ARE YOU KNOWN FOR OR KNOWN AS?
I’ll just tell you my two favorites from today. One woman, who goes by the fake name of Jessica, had called us about a year ago to share her story of the time she suffered chemical burns to her VAGINA as a result of the ill- advised self- done Brazilian using Nair. When she was done talking to us, her phone blew up all day with a bunch of people who recognized her voice and were hearing the story for the first time. Anyway, they dubbed her ‘Burnt- gina’.
The other unfortunate soul who called has the name Aaron Ness. His nickname became A. Ness. Even worse, his sister’s name is Patricia. Do the math and enjoy a laugh. Yea, I just made a rhyme. God I’m talented!
JUDAS PRIEST
Rob Halford and Glenn Tipton DID, in fact, show up today and hung out for about 30 minutes or so. Gotta tell you, they are about as cool as two dudes can be. We never know what to expect. Christ, they’re the ‘metal gods’ and all that, plus we grew up rocking the f*ck out to their stuff, so we were happy that they were anti- douches. Between them and Ozzy, we’ve surmised that if you are from Birmingham, England and have been playing rock for more than 30 years, you’re cool.
OK, finally, the good folks at National Safety are the people who hooked us up with the fartometer. Not only did they hook us up with a tool that contributes to our immaturity, but take a look at what they’ve done outside of their place of business.
Yes, farts can bring the world together.
Until tomorrow, if you think I sit around as the world goes by, STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#625
“Hola oopsolas,
It took 4 tears, but finally common sense has prevailed… a federal appeals court threw out the $550,000 fine against CBS for the 2004 Superbowl halftime show that ended with Janet Jackson’s infamous ‘wardrobe malfunction’. That’s right, in spite of the FCC’s puritanical leanings, a three judge panel has determined that showing a boob for one half of one second isn’t worth a half million dollar fine, so now CBS has a clean slate. Speaking of clean slates, Khloe Kardashian, the dumb sister of the equally dumb Kin Kardashian, served a total of 173 minutes in jail for a DUI… even though she was sentenced top 30 days. So, after serving just under three hours, she’s free, like Nicole Ritchie, who served a whopping 82 minutes for her DUI and Lindsay Lohan who served a whole 84 minutes for her DUI… even though she was underage at the time. Whatever-the-case, both CBS and the celebutantes now have a clean record and can move forward like nothing ever happened. We should all be so lucky, but chances are you’re NOT that lucky. We all have baggage, some worse than others, and today we want to know what bags you’d like to check. WHAT ONE THING FROM YOUR PAST WOULD YOU LIKE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD?
Let’s just get to it:
Our first call was from a guy currently IN prison. He get’s one hour a day of ‘free’ time and decided to call us. Anyway, he was in the clink for (1) stealing a car, (2) leading the police on a high speed chase in the stolen car and (3) leading the police on a foot chase… up until they brought in the dogs. For all of that he got 27 month, all- expenses paid visit to prison.
Guy got an assault charge 10 years ago after hitting a guy on the head with a pool cue.
Would like to get rid of his 2 DUI’s. No offense, dude, one is plenty.
Would like to erase his Oxy addiction.
Got busted for growing weed.
Would like to strike her last boyfriend from her personal record.
Got a public urination charge… after peeing on the Fife police station. You can’t make this stuff up.
Booted from the Navy for failing a drug test… because he was snorting cocaine, you see.
Was busted for selling drugs because he was selling drugs and got busted.
A guy would like to strike KISS from the record after they removed the make- up. Amen.
We probably should have expected this, but the two overwhelming categories today involved former relationships and past arrests… and almost nothing else. Ironically enough, in my own life, I too, would like to strike various relationships from my personal record as well as my arrest… although, the mug shot is priceless.
Yea… I’m done for the day. I’ve been suffering from a massive hangover. Word of advice, don’t go to the horse track with Ryan Castle and drink all day… ALL day. Consider yourself warned.
Until tomorrow, take time with a wounded hand and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#624
“Hola cinematicolas,
Today is a big day for the movie industry as the “Dark Knight” opens today. Obviously there’s been a ton of hype, particularly about the late Heath Ledger’s portrayal as the Joker, but to put this into perspective, the “Dark Knight” has already accounted for 94% of all ticket sales today and 38% of the American work force is taking a day or part of a day off just to see the movie. In addition to Heath edger, Batman himself is a bad ass and a consistent movie draw. All of that being said, Moviefone.com has put together a list of the ‘Top 25 Movie Villains of All Time’ and Heath Ledger’s Joker already ranks #5. Guess we’ll find out. Anyway, every movie has a villain and a hero… or if you’re one of those stuffy types, every movie has an antagonist and a protagonist… and everyone has their own opinion of who’s the best. But there’s also often a third, less appreciated character; the one you could do without, or as we call it, the ‘Jar- Jar Binks’; the character that sucks SO bad that they pretty much ruin the whole movie. You know what we’re talking about, and that is our Friday Fantasy Question: WHEN IT COMES TO MOVIES, WHO IS THE GREATEST HERO OF ALL TIME, THE GREATEST VILLAIN OF ALL TIME AND WHO IS YOUR PERSONAL JAR- JAR BINKS?
I’ll be honest with you, I was gonna type out all of the answers from all three categories, but then it occurred to me; that’s WAY too much to do. Seriously. Instead I’ll give you the top 10 from Moviefone.com’s list of the best villains:
#10. The Queen, “Snow White and the 7 Dwarves”… voiced by LucilleLa Verne
#9. Max Cady, “Cape Fear”… played by Robert DeNiro
#8. Hans Gruber, “Die Hard”… played by Alan Rickman
#7. Chigurgh, “No Country for Old Men”… played by Javier Bardem
#6. Goldfinger, “Goldfinger”… played by Gert Frobe (what a sh*tty name. Gert?!?)
#5. The Joker, “The Dark Knight”… played by some guy named Heath Ledger
#4. Hannibal Lecter, “The Silence of the Lambs”… played by Anthony Hopkins
#3. The Wicked Witch of the West, “The Wizard of Oz”… played by Margaret Hamilton (sexy bitch!)
#2. Darth Vader, “Star Wars”… played by James Earl Jones and David Price (Hayden Christiansen can suck it! Whiny little emo kid!)
#1. Lord Voldemort, “Harry Potter”… played by Ralph Fiennes
How do you leave off Bruce the shark from “Jaws”?!? Come on! This big rubber fish scared people out of sitting in their own bathtub! Or how about Glenn Close’s character in “Fatal Attraction”?!? How about friggin’ “Cujo”?!?
Ah well.
D.I.C
OK, our ‘Drunk in Charge’ (D.I.C.) Ryan Castle has absolutely no idea that we have this picture, but we do… and we felt compared to share it with you. I believe this is from about 10 years ago or so, but that’s NO excuse for the bowl haircut or the fact that he is clearly kissing a ‘bear’. Anyway, enjoy, and feel free to harass him.
What a douche.
FARTOMETER
So people have been asking, and this is what the fartometer looks like, fun.
Have a great weekend, amigos.
Until Monday, all my life I’ve been over the top, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#623
“Hola explain themolas,
In what might be the single LEAST important issue in the current Presidential campaign, the media has devoted an incomprehensible amount of time scrutinizing the candidates WIVES! In fact, the latest weekly poll (yes, the major ‘news’ organizations are devoting time to polling people’s opinions of their wives) shows that most Americans prefer Cindy McCain to Michelle Obama, in spite of the fact that they have nothing to do with anything… but this is America, where image trumps substance. On that note, both of the actual candidates have had to distance themselves from some of their own friends because of how those friends are perceived by the public, whether it’s the Reverend Wright (in Obama’s case) or Vicki Iseman, a long time lobbyist for McCain. Is it ridiculous to have to put up with public scrutiny of your friends? Sure, but that’s how things work. I don’t care who you are, at some point you WILL be judged by the company you keep. Maybe it’s fair, maybe it’s not, but one thing is for sure, you probably already know the person in your own inner circle who kinda ruins your image or requires constant explanation. Maybe your mother wife is mouthy control freak or your best friend is a reckless drunk or maybe your 60 year old mother is dating a 19 year old pool boy. For today’s question we want to know: WHAT FAMILY MEMBER OR FRIEND DO YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO OTHERS IN ADVANCE?
I take comfort in the fact that as far as my family is concerned, I’ve ALWAYS been the one who needed explaining. I’m not entirely sure why my kin folk (always wanted to call my family ‘kin folk’) feel that I need explaining, but it’s been that way forever. The scary part is, I feel like I’m perfectly normal, but no one else seems to think so. Oh well.
As for the rest of you,:
Guy has to explain ALL of his friends because he’s the ‘good’ one. Assuming that’s true, it stands to reason that his friends have to explain him too as the ‘goody- goody’.
His 44 year old dad is dating a girl who is 21. Personally, I get it.
Always has to warn people about his ‘mouthy’ friend.
Has to explain that his father, who is a pastor, is actually a cool and liberal dude.
Her mother is a bi- polar alcoholic. Glad it’s not my mother, but I wouldn’t mind seeing this broad in action.
His mother a hippie. She doesn’t bathe, reeks of Patchouli and is in that weird ‘hippie haze’.
Has to explain his friend Troll (?!?) for various reasons including, but not limited to running up to random women and saying, “ahhhh, I smell ovulation,” or playing hacky- sack with a dead bird.
His aunt Peggy is mildly retarded, weighs 275 pounds and annoys everyone in her family.
Family and friends describe him as the ‘whitest black man ever’. Yea, I’ve never heard that before.
Has to warn people about his great- uncle Joe who is enormously fat and gropes women. Comforting.
His three year old son is an “insane” bully. You know, you can fix that effectively and quickly.
He is the guy who needs explaining because he speaks his mind… and has an abnormally large head.
Has to explain his sister- in- law because she’s a stripper… oh, and she’s 48 years old. God in Heaven, please keep your clothes on! Seriously.
Has to explain his grandmother because she’s a CRACK HEAD!
Has to explain his sister. She’s a lesbian, which is neither here nor there, but everyone mistakes her for a man… which is pretty funny. Sorry dude.
DRINKIN’
So we were all excited to talk to author Noel Boivin, whose book, “The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death”, is a brilliant tome dedicated to some of the best true stories of drunken debauchery ever. Honestly, the book is a collection of news stories involving people who imbibed in a bit too much alcohol and went on to do something in their stupor that made headlines… in other words, it’s a book about people we could appreciate. Anyway, we were looking forward to this interview, absolutely sure we would be entertained with Noel’s witty banter and tales if ill repute. Instead, Noel had all the personality of a piece of licorice and was about as interesting as dirt. Serious let down. Nevertheless, check the book out, as it is not a reflection of the author.
I’m outta here.
Until tomorrow, it’s been a long time since I rock and rolled, so STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#622
“Hola obscurolas,
If you’re a regular listener to this fine program (meaning your life is in a terrible place) then you’ll know that for the last two weeks or so, we’ve all been obsessing on the idea of collecting shot glasses from all 50 states by physically GOING to said state and buying the glass. In the grand scheme of things, our quest to collect all 50 shot glasses is possibly the least important endeavor we’ve ever undertaken… and that’s saying something. Speaking of pointless endeavors, knowing the specific gaseous content of a fart is truly irrelevant, and in many ways childish and immature. Quite possibly for those reasons, we’ve spent the last three months trying to get our hands on a portable gas detector (a fartometer) so we can chemically break down what makes up our farts. Turns out, today is our lucky day because a woman named Cindy from National Safety is bringing one by for us to borrow for a little while. Now sure, I know what you’re thinking, ‘shot glasses and fartometers… you guys are pathetic’. We openly admit that, but deep down inside, so are you! I’ve never met anyone who didn’t have their own nonsensical, irrational goal that won’t help their career, it won’t help their finances, it won’t help improve their family life; it won’t do anything other than satisfy their own need to accomplish something pointless… and God bless ‘em. All of this leads to today’s question: WHAT IS THE MOST UNIMPORTANT THING THAT YOU NEED TO ACCOMPLISH?
Here are some of things you’d like to achieve when you realize that you have way too much time on your hands:
Juggle seven balls. He’s up to 5 now, but wants to achieve ‘court jester’ status.
Collect each and every Star Wars novel. He’s married, so there’s no one to scare away.
Wants to join the Star Wars costume club (that actually has an official name, but I can’t remember what it is). Not married, but has a girlfriend.
Get a full replica Darth Vader costume… and THEN lose his virginity. He might be doing it in the wrong order. Just a thought.
Collect a Starbuck’s tumbler from every country with a Starbuck’s.
His wife collects dead lighters… which would make them non- lighters.
Wants to see every national park. Not a bad endeavor.
Wants to cover his house with concert posters. Tacky? Maybe. Do I like the idea? Absolutely.
Guy wants to hot air balloon across the Atlantic. Sounds cool, but honestly, I’d be sh*tting my pants if I did that.
Wants to jump his snowmobile 100 feet across water.
Run a sub- four minute mile. I can’t imagine accomplishing that without a frickin’ grizzly bear chasing me. Seriously.
Enter the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Challenge.
Wants to learn to play the banjo. Not entirely sure why, but banjo it is.
Get rid of his beer gut. Either stop drinking beer or slice off your gut. I’d do the latter.
Visit every Hard Rock Café in the world.
Play jazz guitar at Carnegie Hall.
Wants to collect each of the ‘state’ quarters without buying the set.
Wants to be involved in a ménage a trios. Well hell man, who doesn’t?!?
Wants to visit every major league baseball stadium in the country.
FARTOMETER!!!
As I mentioned at the top of this here blog, a nice lady named Cindy and a dude named Harold from National Safety Inc. stopped by and dropped off the fartometer. So far we’ve only recorded/calibrated one, but rest assured, we’ve got a few weeks to really get down to the ‘nitty- gritty’ so to speak.
OK, this was another one of those days of mass distraction. Apologies.
Until tomorrow, seven, seven eleve, and STAY BEAUTIFUL!”
SHOW#621
“Hola temperolas,
The biggest local story for the last week here in Seattle revolves around 60 year old James Paroline, the man who lost his life after being ‘sucker punched’, falling backward and fracturing his skull on the pavement. If you live under a rock and don’t know the story, James was watering a garden he cared for in a traffic circle. Seemingly unaware of a thing called ‘road rage’, James took it upon himself to block traffic with traffic cones. |
